Keeping Hope Alive After Three Failed Transfers

Ceili lives in Vermont with her husband and two children. She’s currently on her second surrogacy journey with twins!

Q: Your second surrogacy journey was unsuccessful after 3 transfers that didn’t take. Emotionally, that must have been really hard for you and for the IPs. Could you talk about the different emotions you were feeling after your final transfer?

A: My first surrogacy resulted with a success after the first transfer so going into my second journey I was assuming we would have the same result. I was honestly shocked when I didn’t see a second line. I had become close with the mom and it was heartbreaking to experience each fail with them, and it was hard not to lose optimism for the next transfer. I wanted to support the IM as much as possible and continued to inform her I was here for whatever she needed, when she was ready to talk. She was very kind and asked how I was feeling and acknowledged I was experiencing the painful emotions with them. We stayed in touch for a couple of months after the last failed transfer to check in on each other.

Q: What are some important things to keep in mind to maintain optimism and hope after a failed transfer? What did you learn from that second journey and why did you decide to do a third journey?

A: One thing I would remind myself was that you didn’t need optimism to have a successful transfer. It can be so hard to silence the fear of a failed transfer when going into a new cycle. I allowed myself to feel the emotions as they came whether it was hope or fear, and made sure to prioritize self care along the way. I had such a wonderful first journey that I knew I wanted to be a surrogate again and I cherish all three relations with my IPs, regardless of the failed transfers, so I asked to be rematched for one final journey.

Q: You worked with a different clinic for your third journey, right? What was it like for you to switch clinics? Did it renew your hope that maybe this transfer would work?

A: Switching clinics to work with my current IPs felt like a refreshing change coming off three fails with the previous clinic. We had a new team, a new med protocol and everything felt very thorough. The clinic was about four hours away so I stayed in a hotel for a couple of days during the week of transfer and it could not have been more relaxing and stress free. It was a wonderful way to begin the pregnancy and the clinic has been great with communication which I feel makes for a smoother journey.

Q: How different was your relationship with the 3 sets of IPs you’ve been with?

A: When I completed my first application for surrogacy, I stated that I would leave the relationship up to the IPs, since this was their pregnancy, and if they wanted less communication I would be fine with that. Luckily, we grew very close and I realized that made the journey much more special for all of us. They were international dads so I kept a blog for them to experience the pregnancy with me, we emailed often and still visit when they come to the states. I told my agency moving forward I would prefer a closer relationship and have had wonderful connections with all of my IPs. My current IM and I text almost everyday and have many things in common.

@justthestork2